If the Toronto Blue Jays were a song, they’d be “We Are The Champions.” If the Philadelphia Phillies were a song they’d be “Gypsies, Tramps and Thieves.”
What happens when teams from different planets collide in the World Series?
I’ll tell you. . . .
* GAME 1: The Toronto SkyDome is sold out, but the game is delayed when several Phillies get in a fight with their cab driver. “What’s with the funny money, dude?” Lenny Dykstra asks. “Yeah,” adds Darren Daulton. “We gave you
$20, and you give us this red and blue stuff. What gives, pal? You wanna rumble?” Eventually, police explain that the Phillies are in a foreign country, with different money. “Oh yeah?” says Dykstra. “You wanna rumble?” The police decline. “How ’bout your horses?” Dykstra says. “They wanna rumble?” The horses decline.
The game finally starts, and Toronto’s Juan Guzman strikes out the first nine batters. In the fourth inning, he is tripped going up the dugout steps by the injured Jack Morris. “Oh, I’m really sorry,” Morris says. Guzman leaves the game with a twisted ankle. Morris is seen chuckling. Philly takes a 5-2 lead into the ninth inning, when Mitch (Wild Thing) Williams enters the game. His first pitch is clocked at 107 m.p.h., just before it hits the PA announcer in the head.
Williams retires the Jays on 20 pitches: 10 strikes, eight balls, and two yet-to-be-determineds.
Final score: Phils 5, Jays 4. The game ends at 12:47 a.m. John Kruk celebrates by eating a roast.
* GAME 2: Dave Stewart pitches for Toronto. He is brilliant. In fact, he is working on a no-hitter into the seventh inning, when he grabs his glove and is bitten by a squirrel inside it. “YEOWW!” Stewart yells. Jack Morris is seen chuckling. Stewart leaves the game, and the Phils score on Pete Incaviglia’s home run. “Whew . . .” Incaviglia says as he tries to round the bases. He runs out of gas between second and third, and a tag-team member completes the trip.
Final score: Phils 1, Toronto 0. The game ends at 1:23 a.m. John Kruk celebrates by eating a vat of butterscotch frosting.
* GAME 3: The scene shifts to Philadelphia. In the press conferences before the game, Kruk is asked to name his three biggest influences. “Military men,” he answers. “Captain Crunch, Col. Sanders and General Mills.” Meanwhile, Rickey Henderson races into the Toronto locker room, sweating and out of breath. “Man, I’m sorry! I missed the first two games!” “You did?” says Cito Gaston, who, given the way Rickey is playing, hasn’t noticed.
Todd Stottlemyre takes the mound and throws a no-hitter. The Jays win, 7-1. They give Philly one run in exchange for not pitching Mitch Williams. Kim Batiste, brought in for defensive purposes, commits nine errors, one per inning. “I’m working on my fielding,” he says. “You wanna rumble?”
The game ends at 2:10 a.m. John Kruk buries his sorrow in a side of beef and a barrel of coleslaw.
Meanwhile, down in Atlanta, 40,000 fans show up for what they think is the World Series. The Braves, playing nobody, lose in the 10th inning.
* GAME 4: Hundreds of schoolkids come to Veterans Stadium to meet their hero, Lenny Dykstra. Like Lenny, they are drooling tobacco juice. “Hey, little dudes,” Dykstra says. When someone suggests he is setting a bad example, Dykstra says, “Oh. Hey, little dudes, please.”
The game begins, and John Olerud hits a single, a double, and a triple. In the top of the ninth, with the bases loaded, he grabs his bat and yelps. A giant splinter sticks in his hand. Jack Morris, hiding a penknife, is seen chuckling. Olerud can’t go, and Pat Borders pinch-hits against Mitch Williams. With his first three pitches, Wild Thing hits the ump, the first-base coach and a guy selling peanuts in the second row. Borders immediately swings three times on his own, and is called out.
Final Score: Phillies 6, Blue Jays 5. The game ends at 4:30 a.m. John Kruk celebrates by going to Denny’s and eating the entire left side of the menu.
* GAME 5: Toronto wins, 4-3, on a grand slam by Ed Sprague, who is married to an Olympic synchronized swimmer. When asked how he did it, Sprague says,
“My music was really good, and the gelatin in my hair stayed very firm.”
The game ends at 5:05 a.m. Kruk buys a Taco Bell franchise and eats it.
* GAME 6: Toronto wins, when the Phils forfeit due to a previous engagement at a Van Halen concert.
* GAME 7: Dave Stewart and Curt Schilling pitching. The game is scoreless until the seventh, when Roberto Alomar bunts weakly to third. Kim Batiste bumbles it into an inside-the-park home run.
With the score still 1-0, Toronto fans are on their feet with two out in the top of the ninth. Milt Thompson draws a walk. Kruk comes up, with a Milky Way in his mouth. He swings. Home run.
Five minutes later, the Phillies are champions of the world. “SKOAL FOR EVERYBODY, DUDES!” Dykstra yells as they leap into a pile. President Bill Clinton calls the locker room, and Mitch Williams answers the phone. “You did it!” the president says. “No, man, I didn’t, I swear!” Williams says.
The Phillies douse themselves in Rolling Rock beer. Jack Morris announces he has signed with Philadelphia for one year, $37 million. Baseball fans everywhere admit it was a great series. They turn off Game 7, finish breakfast and go to work.