This week, let’s talk quarterback.
“ARRGH! MY RIBS!”
Why should you want to be a quarterback? Well, many reasons. Quarterback is probably the most fun position anyone can have in sports.
“ARRGH! MY SHOULDER!”
For instance, quarterbacks always get a lot of attention. Their teammates circle around them like scouts around a cubmaster.
“LEFT! I SAID LEFT, MORON!”
A quarterback also gets to talk to the coach during the game, thereby developing a friendship he will cherish his entire career.
“YOU GO OUT AND THROW IT, CLIPBOARD-FACE!”
Most fun of all is the long pass, where the quarterback gets to drop back and loft a carefully thrown spiral, and watch it float gently back to earth.
“UMMPH! HEY. LEMME UP.”
Quarterbacks enjoy a high profile and are always happy. Take Joe Montana of San Francisco. Or, well, no . . . he’s not a real good example right now. How about Gary Hogeboom? Uh, Jim McMahon! Yeah. No? Well . . .
Women! There are always lots of women wanting to date quarterbacks. That must be fun.
“DANCE? AW, BABY, I CAN’T EVEN STAND UP.”
Cars! Quarterbacks have nice c–.
“DRIVE? MAN, MY KNEES ARE BROKEN.”
So, you, uh, see, quarterbacking is the way to go. A fun and relaxing way to sports success. Next week we will talk about another rewarding career, the tackling dummy.
But first, this week’s picks.
“OH. I CAN HARDLY WAIT.”
Ahem . . .
LIONS 30, BUCS 17: The Lions are manly men. Darryl Rogers is a manly coach. It is time to do the manly thing. Beat up on someone weaker than us.
BRONCOS 20, EAGLES 17: Buddy Ryan cried last week after his team lost. Now he can weep.
RAIDERS 16, GIANTS 13: If the Raiders lose three in a row, they will eat their spikes.
BILLS 34, CARDS 14: Aw, shucks. Let Jim Kelly win one.
OILERS 21, CHIEFS 10: Hey. Now here’s an exciting game.
VIKINGS 24, STEELERS 10: Remember when this would have been a prime-time battle?
BENGALS 30, BROWNS 13: I call this my best bet of the week.
PATRIOTS 13, SEAHAWKS 12: . . . no, wait . . . SEAHAWKS 13, PATRIOTS 12 .
. . uh . . . hold it . . . PATRIOTS 14, SEAHAWKS 13 . . . well, it’ll be one of those.
49ERS 35, SAINTS 7: Joe who?
COWBOYS 21, FALCONS 20: Atlanta undefeated? No. We can’t have that. Uh-uh. No way. Let’s fix that right now, mister.
RAMS 27, COLTS 10: Talk to these two teams about quarterbacks. In fact, bring one with you, and they’ll sign him.
DOLPHINS 30, JETS 23: I think New York has won enough this week, don’t you?
REDSKINS 27, CHARGERS 24: I did not think Washington would beat the Raiders last week, and it did. I do not think it will beat the Chargers this week. So it probably will.
BEARS 19, PACKERS 10 (MONDAY NIGHT): Jim McMahon is injured. Todd Bell is hurting. Walter Payton is tired. So what? This is Green Bay we’re talking about.
BEST PICK LAST WEEK: Denver 28, Pittsburgh 10. Denver won, 21-10.
WORST PICK LAST WEEK: Detroit 24, Dallas 17. Dallas won, 31-7.
RECORD LAST WEEK: 10-4. Maybe I should be a quarterback.