I remember the good old days, when Denver was a place your plane stopped on the way to the West Coast?
“Hey, nice mountains you got here,” you’d say to some cowboy-hatted local who was hanging around the airport.
And he’d pause for a minute, spit some tobacco and say, “Yep.”
Then you’d get back on the plane and go someplace else.
Back then, the city had only one big sports franchise, a football team, the Broncos. They wore orange uniforms and were lucky if they won four games a season. Five victories, they held a parade.
Nobody cared. Denver was a place you went for skiing. It was a place you went for boots and a saddle.
It was not some hotbed of sports hysteria, with merchandising shops full of teal uniforms. It was not a place you went for hockey. In fact, until last year, Denver was where you went to get away from hockey.
And now — look at this mess. In one year, Denver has a Stanley Cup. Its players have made mortal enemies out of the Red Wings. Its newspaper columnists take swipes at Detroit.
And tonight, the Western Conference finals begin again in a town that, until five minutes ago, thought Zamboni was an Italian ice cream.
Everything is upside down. Nothing means what it used to mean. You know what I mean?
Let me define the definitions:
ROY
* THEN: A cowboy name, as in Roy Rogers.
* NOW: A goalie whose spelling should be “WAH.”
QUEBEC
* THEN: A province in Canada.
* NOW: The Avalanche’s dirty little secret.
RODENT
* THEN: A nibbling mammal, such as a rat.
* NOW: Claude Lemieux.
OCTOPUS
* THEN: Sold-out fish during hockey season.
* NOW: $6.99 a pound, plenty available.
GLOVES
* THEN: What you wear to keep warm.
* NOW: The first thing that comes off in a fight.
SWEATER
* THEN: What you wear to keep warm.
* NOW: What you pull over the opponent’s head before you start beating on it.
HELMET
* THEN: What you wear to protect your brain.
* NOW: Where you want his fist to land.
REFEREE
* THEN: Man who enforces rules.
* NOW: Man who stands by fight and counts to 1,000.
BOWL
* THEN: Round dish or basin, used for holding food.
* NOW: How Marc Crawford gets his hair cut.
SHOTS ON GOAL
* THEN: Method for counting scoring chances.
* NOW: 60 for Wings, 20 for opponent.
CREASE
* THEN: Ridge or groove, produced by folding.
* NOW: What you’d like to put in the face of the dummy who invented this rule.
METHUSELAH
* THEN: Aged Biblical patriarch.
* NOW: Slava Fetisov.
BLOOD
* THEN: The plasma fluid in the vascular system.
* NOW: A standing ovation.
GOALIE
* THEN: The man who protects the hockey net.
* NOW: The man who skates to center ice to attack the other goalie in a comical wrestling match.
ENIGMA
* THEN: A puzzling situation that leaves you confused.
* NOW: Scotty Bowman.
You get the idea? Meanings change. Cities change.
But some things stay the same.
So this morning, I will fly to Denver, and when I land, I will encounter some cowboy-hatted local who will ask me this question: “You don’t really think your Wings can beat our Avalanche, do you?”
And I’ll pause, spit some tobacco and say . . .
“Blecchh, this stuff is awful!”
And the answer is yes.
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