Well, it’s Christmas, and I am hoping Santa allows me to get all my picks correct this weekend so I can walk down the street without having some nice old lady stop and say, “Hey! There’s the moron that picked Philly over New Orleans. You cost me five bucks!”
By the way, speaking of Christmas, I fully expect Santa to bring the following gifts to the following people:
Mike Ditka: A new stick of gum. I think we’re just about finished with that last one, don’t you Mike?
Wayne Fontes: Some credit.
Joe Montana: Something he can’t do. You know. For a change of pace.
Jim Harbaugh: A new arm.
Bernie Kosar. His old arm.
Christian Okoye: A dental appointment for tomorrow. That way, Barry Sanders can win the rushing title.
And now this week’s picks. . . .
* LIONS 23, ATLANTA 10: I see a Sanders. No. Wait. I see two Sanders. I see one Sanders racing past the other Sanders. I see one Sanders going to the Pro Bowl, while the other goes to the jewelry store. I see a Sanders.
* SAN FRANCISCO 28, CHICAGO 14: The 49ers win when they have to. They win when they don’t have to. I’m beginning to think they can win in their sleep.
* GREEN BAY 22, DALLAS 7: It’s been a great year for Jimmy Johnson, hasn’t it? Santa will leave him an extra can of hair spray.
* LA RAMS 21, NEW ENGLAND 20: Santa doesn’t leave any presents for Steve Grogan, since Grogan is older than Santa by a few years.
* NEW ORLEANS 17, INDIANAPOLIS 16: Eric Dickerson gets his Christmas wish: To never be hit by a defender again. Santa makes him a TV analyst.
* NY GIANTS 20, LA RAIDERS 10: Bo Jackson reveals his Christmas wish: To play for the U.S. soccer team in next year’s World Cup.
* PHILADELPHIA 28, PHOENIX 13: Now let’s see. What could we get Buddy Ryan for Christmas? Hmm. How about a brain?
* PITTSBURGH 21, TAMPA BAY 12: Here is what Vinny Testaverde wishes: That all players wore the same color uniforms. That way, his interceptions wouldn’t count.
* SEATTLE 0, WASHINGTON 0: Just before kickoff, the teams decide “Hey. Why play this game? We’re both out of it.” They go to brunch at the Marriott instead.
* BUFFALO 14, NY JETS 10: The battle for New York. Loser has to stay there.
* HOUSTON 34, CLEVELAND 28: The problem with the AFC Central is that everybody wants to go to the playoffs.
* DENVER 24, SAN DIEGO 23: John Elway’s Christmas wish: That people would forget him for 24 hours. Jim McMahon’s wish: That people would remember him for 24 hours.
* KANSAS CITY 20, MIAMI 17: The Miami offensive linemen rip open their presents and . . . Oh, no! Not those stupid Isotoner gloves again!
* MINNESOTA 20, CINCINNATI 17: Boomer Esiason reveals his Christmas wish: To change his first name to Irving.
* RECORD LAST WEEK: 10-4.
* RECORD VS. SPREAD: 6-8.
* SEASON RECORD: 139-71.
* RECORD VS. SPREAD: 98-107-5.
* BEST PICK LAST WEEK: Rams 30, Jets 21. Rams won, 38-14.
* WORST PICK LAST WEEK: Kansas City 27, San Diego 14. Chargers won, 20-13.
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