SNOW? WHAT SNOW? LET US WORK ON THAT

HELLO, HELLO! Step this way! Nice to have you all here! And may I say on behalf of Detroit, thank you for awarding us the 2006 Super Bowl! We’re going to throw a party you NFL folks won’t belie–

How’s that?

What’s what?

Oh …that white stuff! Ha …hahaha. Just ignore that. Yes, yes, it is cold. It sure is. Yes, it is wet. In fact, here’s a bucket. Take some home with you. I’m sure your families back in Palm Springs have never seen anything like it. What’s it called? Oh, I forget. “Snow” or something meteorological like that.

Don’t worry, we won’t have any in 2006.

Our top people are working on it.

What’s that? Is it always this cold? Oh, heck no. You just happened to drop in during a chilly stretch. No, sir, we don’t get as cold as Atlanta did last year. Yes, I agree. That was intolerable. Don’t you worry. The first week in February? It’s beautiful around here that time of year!

Now then. Let’s get into these cars and–

What’s that, ma’am? Public transportation? Well. Isn’t this public transportation? You’re getting in a car. And it’s out in public.

Hmm. Hundreds of thousands of people? All trying to get from one event to another? Gee. You sure we can’t just give them cars? We ARE the Motor City!

Ha …haaahaaa. That was a joke.

Don’t worry. Our top people are working on th–

Excuse me? That thing up there? That’s the People Mover. No, ma’am. It’s never moved any people. No, ma’am. We’re not sure where it goes. No, ma’am. I wouldn’t recommend using it for the Super Bowl — unless you want to miss the game.

Ha! …Haaahaaa! …

That was another joke.

Let’s see the stadium, shall we?

That’s not just any hole in the ground

How about this, folks? Look at those skyboxes! Look at those plush seats! Look at those–

Excuse me, sir? You don’t see anything? Oh, that’s because you’re not looking at the drawing. Here, take one. Yes, I know that big hole is the actual site of the stadium. Yes, I know all you see is dirt. That’s why we have this drawing. Please, take one. Take two. Ain’t she a beauty?

How’s that, ma’am? Luxury hotels within walking distance? Hoho! Are you kidding? We’ve got so many luxury hotels, we don’t know what to do with them! Look out the window! There’s the Atheneum, and …driver, take a turn here, another turn, one more here …oh, look, there’s the Atheneum …

What’s that? Special events? How do you mean?

Oh. Like the “Tropical Extravaganza” they had in Miami? Like the “World’s Biggest Outdoor Barbecue” they had in Tampa? Like the “Hollywood’s Biggest Stars Night” they had in L.A.?

Sure …sure …we can do that stuff.

Our top people are working on it–

Golf? Hey! We love golf! We’ve got tons of golf courses! …Sure, sure, they’re open in February. Just bring your clubs (and a shovel).

What’s that? I said, bring your clubs and …you’ll love it.

Let’s eat!

1982? It was sunny and warm, right?

See this area here? We’re mighty proud of it. Greektown. Some of the finest Greek food in America. What’s that? Southern barbecue? Well, no, you can’t really get that in Greektown. Excuse me? A 48-ounce T-bone? Well, uh, no, sir, not reall–

Entertainment? Well, now you’re talking. This is Motown, remember? No, Diana Ross doesn’t live here anymore. But we have many wonderful venues that embody the good, wholesome fun that the NFL has always stood for–

A gambling casino? Where?

Ohmigosh! How’d that get there?

Honestly, we don’t endorse gambling. It’s just those nasty people across the river in Canada were taking all our money and …well, you don’t want to hear that story. Let’s just relax and have a great time and celebrate your selection of our city — over all the other cities in America — to stage a Super Bowl. We are just so flattered. It’s such a coup! It’s such–

How’s that? You gave it to us only because the Ford family committed to a new stadium? You really aren’t enthused about this decision? You’re worried about a repeat of the last time Detroit had a Super Bowl, in 1982? Gee. It was so long ago, I can barely remember. It was sunny, right–

A freezing spell.

Well, everything went smoothly, right–

The buses got stuck on the highway and one team almost missed the game.

Well, in the end, everyone loved it, ri–

They swore they’d never have another Super Bowl here as long as they lived.

Hmm.

Well, you know the old expression. Lightning never strikes twice.

So let me see: No snow, more sun, golf, luxury hotels, mass transportation.

No problem. Six years is a long time. And our best people are working on it.

Contact MITCH ALBOM at 313-223-4581 or albom@freepress.com. Catch “Albom in the Afternoon,” 3-6 p.m. weekdays, and “Monday Sports Albom,” 7-9 p.m. Mondays on WJR-AM (760).

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