THE LIVE ALBOM (Valentine’s Day Edition)
* If I had wings and a little bow and arrow and I enjoyed wearing a diaper, I might play Cupid for the following couples on Valentine’s Day:
Jim McMahon and Andy Warhol. Refrigerator Perry and Pia Zadora. Sparky Anderson and Olive Oyl. Petr Klima and Annette Funicello. The Iron Sheik and Iron Maiden.
* And maybe Danny Ainge, Pat Sullivan and that kid from “Webster.” A menage a twerp.
* Speaking of Valentine’s Day, how about a gift from the NBA: 82 All-Star Games a year, with one regular-season game in the middle?
ODE TO THE NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS
You lost the game, what a shame
Sniff, Sniff, Sniff
Were you beaten? Were you lame? Or was it
Sniff, Sniff, Sniff?
* SORRY, WRONG NUMBERS: OK. OK. I apologize. Detroit has two first-place basketball teams: The University of Detroit — as written here on Tuesday — and, dum-dum-dum-dahhhh, Wayne State. There. You can untie me now.
* MR. LEE, MR. LEE: Well, another baseball season is around the corner, but it won’t be the same without Lee MacPhail, who retired recently after 42 years in the game. Here you see MacPhail practicing his new career, as a three-card monte dealer.
* Bo Schembechler got eight of the nation’s top 100 football recruits to sign with Michigan this week. And I bet he didn’t offer a single Trans Am.
* MORE VALENTINES . . . Chuck Daly and Bette Midler. Dr. J and Dr. Ruth. Larry Bird and Sissy Spacek. Bill Laimbeer and Christie Brinkley. Hey, even big, slow, white guys can get lucky.
* By the way, Julius Erving’s decision to stick around another year is welcome. The NBA needs elder statesmen, even if they’ve lost a step.
* But enough already about Spud Webb. Geez. The guy gets smaller with every story. Pretty soon he’ll be wearing his socks as pajamas.
* HEAR! HEAR! My reaction to Jan Kemp’s courtroom victory over the University of Georgia? Two words: It’s about time.
* OK, three words. Bravo. You’re awake.
* THE MOUSE THAT DUNKED: Everyone knows Sports Illustrated gave its man-of-the-year award to Kareem Abdul-Jabbar. Few people know that he immediately dedicated the honor to Mickey Mouse. Here you see Ab dul-Jabbar accepting the trophy while wearing the traditional Mickey ears. “He’s just a little guy,” said Abdul-Jabbar of The Mick, “but he’s got great moves.”
* Some sports columnist at the Free Press picked the Bears to win the Super Bowl before the playoffs even started. We ought to find that guy.
* I would rather drink boiling oil than watch the Knicks anymore this season.
* The second-best smile on the Pistons belongs to big Earl Cureton. Like Isiah Thomas (smile No. 1), he looks like he’s enjoying himself, even when he takes the ball the length of the court and dribbles it off his leg. Earls just wanna have fun.
* They are multiplying. Those yellow ties with blue polka dots. What evil menace is behind this?
* MORE VALENTINES . . . John McEnroe and Joan Rivers. Mike Ditka and Spend a Buck. Dale Murphy and Mother Teresa. Pete Rose and himself. Martina Navratilova and Ivan Drago.
And finally, Wayne Gretzy and Meryl Streep. No, wait a minute. They’re the same person, aren’t they? Hey. What the . . .
CUTLINES Which shell, Lee?
“M-O-U-S-E-E-E . . . ” The Great Gretzky The Great Streepzky