It’s the bye week again, and all across our city, football fans are preparing for the worst. Some are digging out old tapes to satisfy their football cravings. Others are planning to stay out all night Saturday, so as to sleep through the football-less next day.
There are sure-fire signs that a town is facing a bye week- end. One is an boost in the sale of garden rakes. Another is the glum looks on husbands’ faces as they tell you about the fashion show they’ll be attending Sunday afternoon with their wives.
Another is the injury report.
You know the injury report. It appears every football weekend, bringing you up to date on who’s healthy and who isn’t. It does this by breaking down their status into four categories: out, doubtful, questionable, and probable.
For example, the Cleveland Browns injury report this week might read this way:
QB Bernie Kosar (cut) out, QB Vinny Testeverde (hamstring) doubtful, coach Bill Belichick, (brain) questionable.
Naturally, with a bye week, we have no injury report. How depressing, What will we read Sunday morning? The cereal box?
Never fear, In an effort to carry you through the phenomenon known as footballus-interruptus, I have constructed my own injury report, spanning all the major sports. No, it’s not quite as good as a Barry Sanders touchdown run, but then, this paper only costs 35 cents.
Remember, only nine days till a pro game again. FOOTBALL
* PROBABLE: Joe Montana will get up.
* QUESTIONABLE: Joe Montana will dress.
* DOUBTFUL: Joe Montana will put on a helmet.
* OUT: Joe Montana will actually do something that resembles playing full-contact football.
* PROBABLE: Bernie Kosar will start a game.
* QUESTIONABLE: Steve DeBerg will finish a game.
* DOUBTFUL: Tom Tupa will win a game.
* OUT: Erik Kramer will break a sweat.
* PROBABLE: Dallas goes to Super Bowl.
* QUESTIONABLE: Buffalo goes to Super Bowl.
* DOUBTFUL: Anyone else goes to Super Bowl.
* OUT: The AFC’s chances.
* PROBABLE: The Super Bowl halftime will be overdone.
* QUESTIONABLE: Michael Jackson will grab his crotch.
* DOUBTFUL: It will end in under four hours.
* OUT: Fan Man will be master of ceremonies.
* PROBABLE: Notre Dame will win.
* QUESTIONABLE: Florida State will win
* DOUBTFUL: They tie.
* OUT: The game will end with a field goal going wide right. That’s Miami, remember? BASKETBALL
* PROBABLE: The Pistons guards score.
* QUESTIONABLE: The Pistons forwards rebound.
* DOUBTFUL: The Pistons dent the playoffs.
* OUT: Alvin Robertson is elected team captain.
* PROBABLE: Charles Barkley plays another year.
* QUESTIONABLE: Moses Malone plays another year.
* DOUBTFUL: Bill Laimbeer plays another year.
* OUT: Robert Parish gets into movies as “child.”
* PROBABLE: Michael Jordan will play again.
* QUESTIONABLE: He’ll play next year.
* DOUBTFUL: He’ll play this year.
* OUT: He’s inviting the press corps over for a Sunday barbecue. BASEBALL
* PROBABLE: Jack Morris will pitch again.
* QUESTIONABLE: His taste, especially in clothes.
* DOUBTFUL: He will ever say the words, “Ms. Reporter, I was wrong. . . . ”
* OUT: The Tigers, if they bring the dweeb back.
* PROBABLE: Darryl Strawberry will play next season.
* QUESTIONABLE: He’ll actually hit a ball.
* DOUBTFUL: LA will take him back.
* OUT: He is elected National Firefighters’ Man of the year. HOCKEY
* PROBABLE: Felix Potvin keeps Toronto a winner.
* QUESTIONABLE: Mario Lemieux plays 20 games.
* DOUBTFUL: Chris Osgood needs to shave.
* OUT: Tie Domi gets a job with Amnesty International.
* PROBABLE: Florida.
* QUESTIONABLE: Anaheim.
* DOUBTFUL: Tampa Bay
* OUT: Edmonton. BOXING
* PROBABLE: Holyfield-Bowe III.
* QUESTIONABLE: Holyfield-Bowe IV.
* DOUBTFUL: Holyfield-Bowe V.
* OUT: Holyfield-Tyson.
* PROBABLE: Fan Man is still alive.
* QUESTIONABLE: Fan Man is still sane.
* DOUBTFUL: Fan Man comes from this planet.
* OUT: His chances at a pilot’s license.