Let us talk today about the touchdown celebration. It is not what it used to be.
Gone are the days of Billy (White Shoes) Johnson, wiggling his knees like a man balancing on an ocean raft.
Gone are the days of “the dice roll,” where two players dropped to the turf, spun the football, then slapped hands as if they’d just rolled snake eyes.
Remember when the spike was a work of art? Now the trend is to flip the ball to the referee and run off in search of a Gatorade bucket to dump on the coach.
No. This will not do. Clearly what we need are some new end zone celebration ideas.
May I suggest:
1. SIGN JAMES BROWN: Surely the Godfather of Soul could be used on first-and-goal situations. And when he made it into the end zone? Whoo boy. A split. A twist. A scream. He’ll show you a few new steps.
2. THE GOAL POST DUNK: I always liked this one: the player runs, leaps up to the crossbar, and slams the football over the other side. Of course, Refrigerator Perry would be exempt.
3. “HI DAD!”: Enough for Mom. Mom probably didn’t want the kid playing football in the first place. Let’s give Dad his due. Raise a fist at the camera, pound the chest, and belch. “Hi Dad.” Terrific.
4. THE MOONWALK: This is a dance step made famous by Michael Jackson, in which the player appears to be walking backward like a robot. Actually, it might not work on artificial turf. Or muddy grass. Or snow. Actually this won’t work at all.
Well. That’s enough for this week.
Except . . .
And now this week’s picks . . .
REDSKINS 37, LIONS 7: If only the Redskins weren’t so angry about last week’s loss. If only the Lions had won more than two games this season. If only the . . . aw, forget it. This would be a blowout anyhow.
NY JETS 24, KANSAS CITY 23: It’s official. There are now more Jets in the hospital than on the playing field.
NEW ORLEANS 20, SAN FRANCISCO 17: The Saints have been waiting for this since they were just Good People.
NEW ENGLAND 24, DALLAS 21: Tom Landry? In job trouble? Tom Landry? Oh, my.
PHILADELPHIA 21, NY GIANTS 20: I don’t want to say these teams don’t like each other, but the locker room attendants at Vet Stadium are carrying spray paint.
MINNESOTA 35, TAMPA BAY 20: And playing inside the Metrodome will ruin the Bucs’ tan lines.
PITTSBURGH 20, HOUSTON 19: Remember when this was Dan Pastorini and Earl Campbell versus Terry Bradshaw, Lynn Swan and Mean Joe Greene? And now it’s .
. . it’s . . . who the heck plays for these guys now?
CINCINNATI 20, ATLANTA 14: The race for nothing.
CLEVELAND 35, BUFFALO 28: Bernie Kosar followed Jim Kelly at University of Miami. Kosar got better grades.
MIAMI 30, INDIANAPOLIS 20: And afterward, Eric Dickerson says, “Well, it’s been fun. I would like to be traded now.”
SAN DIEGO 23, LA RAIDERS 20: Remember when it was the Raiders who laughed when these two teams met?
LA RAMS 20, ST. LOUIS 17: Cardinals are going elsewhere. Rams are going nowhere.
SEATTLE 30, GREEN BAY 13: Do you think the Seahawks ever figured to be trailing the Chargers by two games?
(MONDAY NIGHT) DENVER 17, CHICAGO 13: Pow . . . bam . . . grlzzzp . . . OOMPH . . . ayeee!
RECORD LAST WEEK: 7-7.
RECORD THIS SEASON: 45-38-1.
RECORD LAST WEEK VS. SPREAD: 7-7.
BEST PICK LAST WEEK: Minnesota 28, LA Raiders 20. Minnesota won, 31-20.
WORST PICK LAST WEEK: Denver 31, Buffalo 0. Buffalo won, 21-14.