Snow is falling. I hear a knock. I open my door. And look who I see doing their sports Christmas carols . . .
Wayne Fontes, “Silent Night” Silent night, roster is light, This one’s injured, that one’s tight Down went Rodney, and Jerry and Mike Eric and Cofer, they’re riding the bike Could we get a delay-ayyy and do the playoffs next May?
Cecil Fielder, “Santa Claus is Coming to Town” You better not run, you better not hide You better unlock that bank vault real wide Cecil’s agent’s coming to town. He’s making a list, checking it twice, Adding 10 zeros onto his price Cecil’s agent’s coming to town. He knows you need my home runs, And RBIs count too, He only wants what the market bears Say Bobby Bonilla times two — oooh! You better not scheme, you better not plot, All that we want, is all that you got Cecil’s agent’s coming to town. Chuck Daly, “The Christmas Song” Bedford missing on an open shot Laimbeer scoring all-time lows, Isiah’s drive being blocked by a giant Aguirre moans about his toes. Everybody knows We used to be the champions Now we lose to Miami Though it’s been said, many times, many ways, Let me ask you, God Why me? Keith Jackson, “Winter Wonderland” Sleigh bells ring — Whoa Nellie! Children sing — on his belly! We’re making a stir — a real barn burner! Walking in a winter wonde– FUMBLLLLE!
Wilt Chamberlain, “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus” I saw Wiltie kissing Mrs. Claus Underneath the mistletoe last night He said “This might be fun You’d be 20,001 I’ve had the rest, now I’ll try the best While Santa’s on the run!” I saw Wiltie kissing Mrs. Claus Till her husband burst in on his sleigh Then Wiltie got a shock With saltpeter stuffed in his sock No more kissing Mrs. Claus today. The Red Wings’ front office, “God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen” God rest ye Sergei Fedorov And Dosvedanya too We sure are glad we got you out
‘Fore Russia split in two You shoot, you score, you pass, you fly, Fans really love your act We hope you don’t ask for “new contract” That’s a fact We hope you don’t ask for “new contract.” Rodney Peete, Randall Cunningham, Joe Montana, “I’ll Be Home For Christmas” We’ll be home for Christmas Doing therapy, Watching soaps and horoscopes We dream of recovery. Christmas is depressing While our teams still play But we’ll be back next Christmas — if they don’t give our lockers away. Bo Schembechler and Ed McNamara, “The Little Drummer Boy” We need a stadium a new sta-di-um, You lack the cash to build a gym-na-si-um. That’s why I came to you stop sucking your thumb. Don’t tell us what to do you bum-bum-bum-bum, Who you call bum? We want it done!
Put it downtown or else, your new sta-di-um will never come. Desmond Howard, “Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree” Trophies around my Christmas tree What a happy holiday Can’t even move, with all these plaques Got the Heisman on my knee. Trophies around my Christmas tree And the agents on their way Like to stay here at Michigan— wait, how much did you say? John DiBiaggio and George Perles, “Blue Christmas” We’ll have a Green Christmas without you I am not leaving, John boy, so I doubt you It’s been fun, now you’re done No more coach or AD Hold on there buster, You forget about paying me? We’ll have a Green Christmas without you I stuff your stocking with horse-poop you lout, you I am right, I have might Hope you choke Christmas night And you no you have a green drop dead Green Christmas.