NEWS ITEM: According to financial records, President Clinton and wife Hillary are nearly broke. Their assets have been depleted by lawsuits over Whitewater and sexual harassment allegations. For the moment, their financial future remains unclear.

Somewhere in line at a state dinner . . .

HILLARY: Psst.

BILL: What?

HILLARY: We have to discuss this money thing.

BILL: Here? With all these guests?

HILLARY: I don’t have enough for the valet.

BILL: Gawd. Is it that bad?

HILLARY: Bad? I paid the VISA bill with the Abe Lincoln portrait.

BILL: YOU WHAT?

AMBASSADOR: Mr. and Mrs. President, may I present the King of Morocco.

BILL & HILLARY: WELCOME, YOUR HIGHNESS!

HILLARY: . . . OK, here’s the bottom line. We have $600,000 in assets, and we owe $2 million in legal fees.

BILL: Two million! Why didn’t you hire that Cochran guy? He’ll work for publicity.

HILLARY: You want him pulling on a ski mask and saying, “Show your trust, let them go bust.”

AMBASSADOR: May I present the Emperor of Japan.

BILL & HILLARY: WELCOME, EMPEROR!

HILLARY: . . . look, all I’m saying is the bills are piling up, and our income isn’t. If only you could do a commercial endorsement.

BILL: For what?

HILLARY: I dunno. Slim Fast?

BILL: Very funny. Why don’t you do one for Paine Webber? “We make money the old-fashioned way — we hide it.”

HILLARY: Listen, you pompous Romeo. If you had kept your politics in your pants, we wouldn’t be in this crunch. You’re supposed to kiss babies, not babes.

BILL: Oh, get a load of Ms. Hog Futures here. “Trust me,” you said. “This land deal is a good investment.” Who on earth thinks land outside of Little Rock is a good investment?

HILLARY: You’re a pig.

BILL: You’re a fraud.

HILLARY: How dare you!

BILL: How dare you!

AMBASSADOR: May I present the President of Mexico.

BILL & HILLARY: WELCOME, MR. PRESIDENT.

HILLARY: . . . pssst. Go ahead. Ask him.

BILL: For what?

HILLARY: A loan.

BILL: Are you nuts? His country owes us millions.

HILLARY: Tell him you’ll take $100,000 now and call him in a year.

BILL: I might not be president in a year.

HILLARY: See, it’s perfect.

AMBASSADOR: May I present the Emperor of China.

BILL & HILLARY: WELCOME, YOUR HIGHNESS!

HILLARY: . . . China . . . one billion people —

BILL: Don’t even think it!

HILLARY: Well what do you want me to do? We’re two months behind on the Donna Karan bill, we owe the orchestra on that Steven Spielberg reception, and we never paid the caterer for the Streisand thing.

BILL: I don’t even like Streisand. Whose idea was that?

HILLARY: Don’t like her? You were eyeballing her cleavage all night.

BILL: Ha! You need glasses. I’ll buy you a pair — after I get you a new paper shredder.

HILLARY: Listen, Lothario. I have a good mind to leave you flat.

BILL: I should be so lucky.

AMBASSADOR: May I present the Queen of England.

BILL & HILLARY: WELCOME, YOUR HIGHNESS!

HILLARY: Now there’s a lady with problems.

BILL: Yeah. At least our daughter isn’t making it with a polo player.

HILLARY: Wait a second. Maybe you could use this poverty angle.

BILL: How so?

HILLARY: Play it up. Say you understand the plight of the working man.

BILL: I could campaign on that platform.

HILLARY: Right. “Vote for me — I need the job.”

BILL: It might work.

HILLARY: We’d get four more years’ pay.

BILL: It’s a start.

HILLARY: Do it. Now. I must go to the Ladies room. Give me a five for the attendant.

BILL: Here.

HILLARY: Thank you.

BILL: And honey?

HILLARY: Yes?

BILL: Bring back change.

Mitch Albom’s radio show, “Albom In The Afternoon,” airs 4-6 p.m. weekdays on WJR-AM (760).

Pin It on Pinterest

Share This