by | Aug 30, 1991 | Detroit Free Press | 0 comments

I hate making football predictions. That’s why I do them every week. But the truth is, as yet another NFL season is about to begin, we the experts, after a summer full of furious study, know absolutely nothing.

Therefore, I will not predict who will win or lose this year. I will do something more realistic. I will predict only the best each team in football can hope for — and the worst that could happen.


Best they can hope for: That Herman Moore can catch, Jerry Ball is mean, and those linemen really need the money Barry Sanders promised them.

Worst: That Mouse Davis was right. 2. GREEN BAY PACKERS.

Best they can hope for: That Tony Mandarich was telling the truth when he said steroids had nothing to do with why he suddenly stinks.

Worst: That he was on steroids at the time. 3. MINNESOTA VIKINGS: Starring Jerry Burns.

Best they can hope for: That Herschel Walker has run out of things to complain about.

Worst: That Walker has run out of speed. 4. CHICAGO BEARS.

Best: That Mark Carrier is as good as he was last year, and Jim Harbaugh is better.

Worst: That Mike Singletary’s eyes just pop out of his head one day. 5. TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS.

Best: Respectability.

Worst: What was their coach’s name again? 6. NEW YORK GIANTS.

Best: Another Super Bowl.

Worst: Phil Simms steals everyone’s playbook. 7. WASHINGTON REDSKINS.

Best: That quarterback Mark (The Ball Just Slipped Out Of My Hand) Rypien gains confidence and control.

Worst: They lose to Detroit on Sunday. A thing like that could embarrass you for a year. 8. PHILADELPHIA EAGLES.

Best: Buddy Ryan’s gone. What more can you ask?

Worst: Randall Cunningham gets mono. 9. DALLAS COWBOYS.

Best: Russell Maryland plays as big as Texas.

Worst: Russell Maryland eats as big as Texas. 10. PHOENIX CARDINALS.

Best: Timm Rosenbach has a speedy recovery.

Worst: Someone says, “Let’s host a Super Bowl!” 11. SAN FRANCISCO 49ers.

Best: They didn’t lose much when Roger Craig, Ronnie Lott and Joe Montana’s elbow went south.

Worst: An angry Bubba Paris returns in the middle of the night and eats their stadium. 12. LOS ANGELES RAMS.

Best: They play like two years ago.

Worst: They play like last year. 13. ATLANTA FALCONS.

Best: Andre Rison starts riding buses.

Worst: Baseball is Deion Sanders’ best sport. 14. NEW ORLEANS.

Best: Bobby Hebert, after a yearlong hold out, comes back throwing like a demon.

Worst: Bobby Hebert, after a yearlong holdout, comes back saying, “How do you hold the laces?” 15. LA RAIDERS.

Best: Ronnie Lott returns with a vengeance.

Worst: Bo Jackson is in AA ball come November. 16. KANSAS CITY CHIEFS.

Best: Steve DeBerg forgets he is 72 years old.

Worst: Everyone else remembers. 17. DENVER BRONCOS.

Best: They reach the Super Bowl again.

Worst: They reach the Super Bowl again. 18. HOUSTON OILERS.

Best: They’re undefeated after their first three games against the Raiders, Cincinnati and KC.

Worst: Warren Moon gets mono. 19. PITTSBURGH STEELERS.

Best: They rely on their defense.

Worst: They rely on their offense. 20. CINCINNATI BENGALS.

Best: Ickey Woods has reason to dance again.

Worst: Sam Wyche does another press conference in a towel. 21. BUFFALO BILLS.

Best: They reach the Super Bowl.

Worst: They need a field goal to win it. 22. MIAMI DOLPHINS.

Best: Dan Marino has a record year after signing his new contract.

Worst: Marino breaks wrist carrying his wallet. 23. INDIANAPOLIS COLTS.

Best: It has already happened: Eric Dickerson on the cover of Sports Illustrated under the caption “One Happy Camper.”

Worst: Dickerson says he was misquoted. 24. NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS.

Best: A woman reporter is assigned to cover the team and is treated with respect and dignity.

Worst: Victor Kiam is elected team captain. 25. SEATTLE, SAN DIEGO, CLEVELAND, NEW YORK JETS.

Best: The NFL says, “Take the year off.”

Worst: It doesn’t.


Submit a Comment

Your email address will not be published.

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

Mitch Albom writes about running an orphanage in impoverished Port-au-Prince, Haiti, his kids, their hardships, laughs and challenges, and the life lessons he’s learned there every day.

🛍 For just $2.99/mo or $29.99/year, you get access to every weekly issue

🎁 All proceeds will be donated to help the daily operations of the orphanage, Have Faith Haiti Mission

🗞 Paid subscribers also get to hear directly from the kids through the “Have Faith Haiti Chronicles.” It’s a monthly/quarterly-ish newsletter written and published by students in a media and journalism class.


Subscribe for bonus content and giveaways!