ANAHEIM, Calif. — Curt, I feel sorry for you. No. I take that back. Last year, I felt sorry for you. This year, I can only scratch my head.
Last year, thanks to the flip of a coin, I won the right to pick the Bears to win the Super Bowl. You glumly accepted your fate, and went with the Patriots. Naturally, the Patriots lost and you looked like a fool.
You took it well, Curt. Remember how the fire trucks came to get you off the ledge? Ah, but that’s another story. And so is this year. This year, you don’t have to flip the coin. This year, you own the coin.
This year, the boss told me, “Let Curt pick first. I don’t want another airport scene.” Remember that, Curt? When we pulled you off that Air India flight after the Patriots lost, and you had already shaved your head and said your name was Jeru and you didn’t even like football?
Ah, but that’s another story.
And now, this. This year. Your year. Your pick. And what do you do? You shoot yourself in the foot. The Broncos? You’re picking the Broncos over the Giants? Hello? Anybody in there? The Broncos?
Surely you jest. Tell me something. One thing. One simple thing. Who has Lawrence Taylor?
Goodby.
I don’t know whether to laugh or cry. Why not give me Luke Skywalker and the points? Why not give me The North and the home-field advantage? Denver over New York? In basketball, maybe. We are talking about the Giants, correct? The Giants who have not surrendered a touchdown in the playoffs. Those Giants, yes? Can I whisper something to you, Curt? Come closer.
San Francisco, 49-3.
Goodby.
The Giants cruised to this Super Bowl. The Broncos had to eke out their wins. Sure, John Elway drove them 98 yards in the final minutes against Cleveland. A great football team wouldn’t have been 98 yards away.
The Giants were better than the Broncos two weeks ago, and nothing has changed. All the players have done since then is party, mug for the cameras and sleep. Not unlike your work week, Curt.
Yet you continue to side with the Sammy Winders of the world. Would you know him if you ran into him? And Rulon Jones and Karl Mecklenburg? They look like Biff and Skippy. This is your pick? Curt. Listen closely. Two words. Two very important words.
Solid food.
Try some.
Defense wins and the Giants have it. The running game wins and the Giants have it. Tight ends are crucial. The Giants have them.
Denver has John Elway.
John Elway is Jay Schroeder with bigger teeth, Joe Montana with more hair. John Elway is good. John Elway is not enough.
Listen, Curt. Harry Carson, Gary Reasons, Carl Banks, Jim Burt, George Martin, Leonard Marshall . . .
Oooooooooh.
But you had these names before you and you chose Denver. Where? From your booth at the Blue Light Lounge? Do me a favor. Tell the boss it was your idea. Next year he’ll want to give you both teams. I win only if they tie.
I am not looking forward to this. I am not looking forward to embarrassing you. And I am out of rope. Remember how much rope we had to use to pull you from under the bed last year?
But that’s another story.
Here is this one.
Giants 23, Broncos 10.
See you at the airport, Jeru.
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