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THE IDEAL ATHLETE IS JUST A CALL AWAY

by | Nov 21, 2008 | Detroit Free Press | 0 comments

Rrrring.

“Hello, and thanks for calling The Sports World. For owners, press 1. For athletes, press 2-“

Beep.

“Welcome to the Sports World Athletes Center. To speak to an athlete, press 1.”

Beep.

“Please select the type of athlete to whom you’d like to speak. For athletes convicted of sexual assault, press 1. For others, press 2.”

Beep.

“For athletes convicted of weapons possession, press 1. For others, press 2.”

Beep.

“For athletes convicted of rape, arson or other crimes, press 1. For athletes with no convictions, press 2.”

Beep.

“For athletes who choke their coaches, press 1. For non-chokers, press 2.”

Beep.

“One moment please . . .”

The top of his class

“Please select the type of non-convicted, non-choking athlete you prefer. For athletes with a history of drug problems, press 1. For athletes with no history of drug problems, press 2.”

Beep.

“For athletes arrested for drunken driving, press 1. For athletes with no history of drunken driving, press 2.”

Beep.

“For athletes addicted to pain-killers, press 1. For non-pill-takers, press 2.”

Beep.

“Thank you for selecting a non-convicted, non-choking, non-drug-using, alcohol-free, pill-avoiding athlete. Please select from the following menu.

“For athletes making more than $20 million a year, press 1. For athletes making less than $20 million a year, press 2.”

Beep.

“For athletes making more than $10 million a year, press 1. For those making less than $10 million a year, press 2.”

Beep.

“For athletes who endorse shoes that cost more than $150 a pair, press 1. For less than $150 a pair, press 2.”

Beep.

“For athletes who are represented by Leigh Steinberg, Drew Rosenhaus or any other agent claiming to be the inspiration for the film, ‘Jerry Maguire,’ press 1. For all others, press 2.”

Beep.

“One moment please . . .”

The name of the game

“Thank you for your patience. We are processing your call. Please select from the final menu for a prompt connection with the athlete you seek.

“For athletes who charge for signing autographs, press 1. For athletes who do not charge, press 2.”

Beep.

“For athletes who dance after making a simple play, press 1. For non-dancing athletes, press 2.”

Beep.

“For athletes who like to trash talk, press 1. For non-trash-talkers, press 2.”

Beep.

“For athletes who have cut their own rap records, press 1. For those without recording contracts, press 2.”

Beep.

“For athletes who demand ‘respect,’ press 1. For athletes who feel respect is earned, press 2.”

Beep.

“For athletes who stayed all four years of college, press 1.”

Beep.

“For athletes who stayed all four years of high school, press 1.”

Beep.

“Thank you. You have a selected a non-convicted, non-choking, non-drug-using, alcohol-free, pill-avoiding, college-completing athlete making less than $10 million a year who does not charge for autographs, does not trash talk, does not dance or demand ‘respect’ and is not represented by an agent who thinks he is Jerry Maguire.

“If this is correct, press 1 now.”

Beep.

“One moment, please, while we transfer you to our indoor lacrosse department. Or, to return to the main menu, press 0 now.”

Beep.

Mitch Albom will sign copies of his new book, “Tuesdays With Morrie,” at 7:30-8:30 p.m. Tuesday, Waldenbooks, Livonia; 7-8 p.m. Wednesday, Smith’s Books, Devonshire Mall, Windsor; 7-8 p.m. Thursday, B. Dalton, Eastland Mall, Harper Woods; 7:30-8:30 p.m. Friday, Borders, Flint; 10:30 a.m.-noon Saturday, Barnes & Noble, Saginaw; and 2-3 p.m. Saturday, B. Dalton, Oakland Mall, Troy.

To leave a message for Mitch Albom, call 1-313-223-4581.

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Mitch Albom writes about running an orphanage in impoverished Port-au-Prince, Haiti, his kids, their hardships, laughs and challenges, and the life lessons he’s learned there every day.

🛍 For just $2.99/mo or $29.99/year, you get access to every weekly issue

🎁 All proceeds will be donated to help the daily operations of the orphanage, Have Faith Haiti Mission

🗞 Paid subscribers also get to hear directly from the kids through the “Have Faith Haiti Chronicles.” It’s a monthly/quarterly-ish newsletter written and published by students in a media and journalism class.

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