THE LIONS GOTTA WIN; VIKES OR BEARS GOTTA LOSE

* DETROIT 20, NEW ORLEANS 17: Gotta have it. Gotta win it. And I believe they will. Does that make me . . . naive?

* MINNESOTA 30, CHICAGO 28: The good news is, at least one team in the NFC Central has to lose in this one.

* BUFFALO 30, MIAMI 23: If you added Jim Kelly’s and Dan Marino’s salaries together, you would have only half of what Magic Johnson just signed for. And QBs throw longer passes.
* ATLANTA 26, GREEN BAY 13: Wait a minute. It’s spelled F-a-v- r-e, right? So why is it pronounced as if it rhymes with “carve”? Can somebody tell me that? Is this one of those “Hooked on Phonics” things?
* NY GIANTS 20, LA RAIDERS 14: The season is one-fourth over, and between them, the Raiders and Giants have exactly one victory? What would the networks say?
* KANSAS CITY 19, DENVER 16: Quick. How old is John Elway? Well. Don’t ask me. I have no idea. I just thought it was an interesting question.
* NY JETS 1/2, NEW ENGLAND 0: Another hot smash ratings grabber from the AFC East.
* SEATTLE 10, SAN DIEGO 9: You think if neither team showed up for this, anyone would notice?
* SAN FRANCISCO 28, LA RAMS 16: The Rams have made formal application to be placed in an easier division, so they don’t have to play the 49ers and Saints all the time.
* TAMPA BAY 27, INDIANAPOLIS 20: The Colts! Now there’s a team the Rams can get excited about!
* WASHINGTON 31, PHOENIX 14: Dear Cardinals: I can’t tell you how much my life has changed since getting “Hooked on Phoenix.” My 8-year-old just loves it, and my 3-year-old says . . . what’s that? Oh. Sorry. Wrong company.
* PHILADELPHIA 24, DALLAS 21: (Monday night): They ought to have Michael Jackson at the halftime of this one. It’ll probably be better than the Super Bowl.
* BEST PICK LAST WEEK: Denver 21, Cleveland 10. (Denver won, 12-0).
* WORST PICK LAST WEEK: Cincinnati 23, Minnesota 17. (Minnesota won, 42-7).
* RECORD LAST WEEK: 6-5.
* RECORD VS. SPREAD: 5-6.
* SEASON RECORD: 34-18.
* SEASON VS. SPREAD: 31-20-1.

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