* I’ll say this about Kato Kaelin. He’s sure the guy I’d want watching my house.
* I mean, has the witness stand become America’s answer to Open Mike Night? Consider the O.J. cast: a cop who’s an alcoholic, a sister who’s an alcoholic, an ex-Marine who says he did — no, wait, he didn’t — talk to F. Lee Bailey, Rosa Lopez, who can’t decide if she’s walking the dog or flying to Central America, Faye Resnick, who’s either a dear friend or a junkie, and, of course, the Kato-Man, who’s a few strokes short of par himself.
* No wonder everyone’s leaving LA.
* Speaking of Kato, his hairdresser is happy to be getting work again, since the last head he cut was Bert Lahr’s in “The Wizard of Oz.”
* Michael vs. Shaq tonight should be renamed “The GNP on TNT.”
* That’s Gross National Product, for the initial-impaired.
* Well. I’m ready to fill out my NCAA pool now.
* I like Kansas, Arkansas, UMass and Wake Forest to reach the Sweet Sixteen. And I’m usually pretty good at these things.
* What do you suppose NBC has in store this Sunday to sabotage CBS’s ratings? Babe Ruth as a replacement player?
* How’s this for hypocrisy? When Jordan was a minor leaguer and no longer as lucrative a cover photo — Sports Illustrated ran a scathing piece called,
“Bag It, Michael — Jordan and White Sox Are Embarrassing Baseball.”
* Last week, SI called Jordan’s baseball career “noble,” and, of course, put him on the cover.
* The only problem with this shortened hockey season is that it’s temporary. Does anyone actually miss the 36 games that won’t be played?
* Red Wing fans wish the playoffs would start tomorrow, anyhow.
* ATTENTION, GRANT HILL’S AGENT: There’s a talk show in Peru he hasn’t been on yet. They’re ticked.
* I’m sorry. I have to say this. Shawn Respert should be shooting jump shots right now, in front of a screaming crowd.
* Speaking of basketball, I knew it was just a matter of time before a Free Press employee was recognized for his hoop skill. This week, the Freep’s Perry Farrell was given the Mr. Basketball award, under his high school pseudonym, Robert Traylor.
* I love the baseball headline I saw in USA Today: “Usery: Time now is truly running out.”
* OK. Thanks for the update.
* Where do they hire these mediators? The same place they hire the acting baseball commissioners, I guess.
* Let’s take a quick look at the Lions, shall we? Since the season ended, they lost their top-performing quarterback, their top-performing kick returner and their top-performing pass-rusher linebacker. And what’s worse — they still haven’t re-signed Chuck Long!
* I mean, we can live with the first three, but …
* Bill Frieder’s still complaining about his dismissal from Michigan is like me still looking for my first bicycle.
* Speaking of Frieder, he’s got his game face on now. You know, the one he uses when he plays Freddy Krueger.