I’ve been spending a lot of time in bookstores lately, and I’ve noticed many best-sellers this holiday season are penned by people who are not, by profession, authors.
For example, there is “Rush” by Rush Limbaugh, a radio talk show nut. Or
“It Doesn’t Take a Hero” by Gen. Norman Schwarzkopf, who didn’t get into the armed forces for the literary benefits.
There is “I Can’t Believe I Said That” by TV host Kathie Lee Gifford — and thank God she wrote a book because the world has been waiting with baited breath to learn her thoughts. When she says “I’m fully aware there are people out there who look at me and want to throw up,” well, all I can say is, Kathie Lee, write on.
We also have “My Life” by basketball star Magic Johnson, although few people are buying this book, since they’ve heard the whole thing on “Oprah,”
“Phil,” “Arsenio,” “20/20,” “Today,” “Good Morning America” . . .
And then there’s “Sex” by Madonna. I would like to comment on this book, but I can’t seem to find one that hasn’t fallen apart.
Still, we should not be surprised by this trend. Once upon a time, books were the domain of men and women who spent a lifetime learning how to write. Today all you need is publisher and a contract.
No wonder we have so many “celebrity” authors. It’s the hot trend. And I predict more of these books by Thanksgiving. Such as:
* “Home Alone” by George Bush. Life after the presidency.
* “I’m OK, You’re Nuts” by Woody Allen.
* “I’m OK, You’re an Ass,” by Mia Farrow.
* “Pssst. Get Me Out Of Here.” by Princess Di. The world’s most famous royal member finally tells her own story, and reveals, for the first time, what she wanted most in life but Charles wouldn’t let her have: a buzz cut.
* “Warning: This Book Is A Small Recording Device” by Ross Perot. A how-to manual on catching spies that live in your house. Special chapter on kitchen surveillance, including “Careful, That Toaster Is Bugged” and “Is That Jiffy Pop, Or Do We Have A Bad Connection?”
* “Ditka: The Collected Speeches,” by Mike Ditka. An anthology for the serious football fan, including Mike’s on-air tirade against a talk show caller, his sideline explosions against Jim Harbaugh, and his chewing out his wife for serving him decaf coffee.
* “He Who Smelt It, Dealt It,” by Howard Stern. A typically mature look at life by the shock radio host.
* “The Jacksons: The Real Story” By Randy Jackson. The youngest brother dishes all the dirt about siblings Michael, Janet, Jermaine and father, Joe. Never mind that he was in diapers at the time.
* “The Jacksons: The Real Story” by Rover Jackson. The family dog dishes the dirt about Michael, Janet, Jermaine, and father Joe. Never mind that he was in the backyard at the time.
* “The Final Days” by Tom Monaghan. In which the pizza mogul reveals that during his last tormented week as owner of the Tigers, he let his whiskers grow like Kirk Gibson and wept for forgiveness from Jack Morris.
* “The Anything Diet” by Roseanne Arnold. The corpulent TV star reveals that you can truly eat anything, if you’ve got enough money. Chapters include,
“Pass The Fries, You’re Fired, ” and “More Whipped Cream, Scuzball.”
* “Sox” by Madonna. The sequel to “Sex,” in which the pop diva poses in gas stations, restaurants, parking lots and the LA Coliseum in nothing but hosiery. WARNING: You immediately lose one-half of this book if you put it in the dryer.
* “They Call Me Tipper, Tipper. . .” by Tipper Gore. The vice president-elect’s wife reveals that before she married into politics, she was, in fact, a dolphin.
* “Now It Can Be Told” by Dan Quayle. The departing vice- president refutes his dummy reputation. “I scored 1600 on my SATs,” he writes, “750 the first time and 850 the second.”
* “The Art of Down-scaling” by Donald Trump. The humbled rich man reveals his secrets for living on a fixed income. Paperback, with a black-and-white cover, cheap paper, and very weak binding. Already marked down.
* “Socks’ Story” by Hillary Clinton. “Hey,” she says, “if Barbara Bush can write about her dog, why can’t I write about my cat?”
* “Billy Ray: My Early Years” by Billy Ray Cyrus. The sexy country star talks about his childhood days, when he wrote songs like, “My Bubble Gum is Pink
(But My Heart Is Blue) and “Achy Braky Bicycle.”
* “A Brief History of Time” by Wayne Fontes. The coach describes his life with the Lions. And ours.