Now that baseball has gone from NBC to CBS, and basketball has gone from CBS to NBC, it’s about time football made a TV move as well.
The new network . . .
Announcer 1: I say, Neville. Here we witness the native American linebacker in his natural habitat, stalking his prey.
Announcer 2: Correct, Cecil. And he bears a striking resemblance to the preying mantis, whose mating habits we studied on last week’s broadcast.
Announcer 1: Now we see the creature called the running back, indigenous to our culture, celebrating his performance with a traditional dance.
Announcer 2: This means he is happy, Neville.
Announcer 1: Indeed, Cecil.
Producer: Psst. Fellas. Give the score.
Announcers 1 and 2: The what?
And now, this week’s picks . . .
* CINCINNATI 23, LIONS 17: The Bengals are no longer Ickey. And the Lions are no longer icky.
* CHICAGO 21, TAMPA BAY 6: If Vinny Testaverde threw a ball into the ocean, a sea gull would intercept it.
* BUFFALO 28, NEW ENGLAND 14: The Pats have so many injuries at wide receiver, they are seriously considering using Doug Flutie there today. I can see it now. Final seconds. Trailing by two. A 60-yard “Hail Mary” pass. This time, it’s Flutie in the end zone. He leaps to catch it . . . and bangs his head on the defender’s knee.
* CLEVELAND 20, KANSAS CITY 19: Marty Schottenheimer’s return to Cleveland. Can you spell R-E-V-E-N-G-E?
* HOUSTON 27, LA RAIDERS 20: Bo Jackson, Allen Pinkett, Tim Brown, Alonzo Highsmith, Mike Rozier, Lorenzo White. And the game will probably be won by a pass.
* INDIANAPOLIS 14, NY JETS 7: Does Eric Dickerson care? About anything?
* MIAMI 34, DALLAS 9: Don Shula coaches the Dolphins. David Shula helps coach the Cowboys. And Mrs. Shula tells them both what to do.
* LA RAMS 28, PHOENIX 10: Are the Cardinals really starting Tommy Tupa? Shouldn’t he be in a marching band?
* PHILADELPHIA 23, MINNESOTA 20: I have a hard time believing either one of these teams is as good as people think.
* NEW ORLEANS 21, ATLANTA 17: You know what the Falcons need? A little more color. Yeah. That’s the ticket. There’s this guy, see? His name is Ted Turner, and . . .
* NEW YORK GIANTS 30, SEATTLE 12: The Giants called up kicker Bjorn Nittmo to replace Raul Allegre. Passports, please?
* SAN DIEGO 12, PITTSBURGH 10: Honestly now. Who cares?
* SAN FRANCISCO 93, GREEN BAY 2: Playing the 49ers these days is like playing God.
* DENVER 21, WASHINGTON 20 (Monday night): Didn’t we see this game already? Three Amigos? Heroic quarterback? Some guy named Timmie Smith?
* RECORD LAST WEEK: 10-4.
* RECORD VS. SPREAD: 6-8.
* SEASON RECORD: 93-47.
* SEASON RECORD VS. SPREAD: 66-71-3.
* BEST PICK LAST WEEK: Detroit 29, Green Bay 21. Lions won, 31-22.
* WORST PICK LAST WEEK: Tampa Bay 17, Minnesota 14. Vikings won, 24-10.