THINGS HAVE A WAY STAYING THE SAME

THE LIVE ALBOM:

* Well, it’s nice to be back in the U.S.A. When I left Pete Rose was in deep trouble, Barry Sanders was unsigned, and the Tigers were looking bleak.
* And now . . .

* Gee. Feels like I never left.
* Best story of the British Open was Tom Watson, who almost won a sixth championship just before his 40th birthday. Had he done it, he could have appeared on his own talk show, Late Night With David Letterman, and interviewed himself.
* Speaking of Watson, he almost won a lot more than a trophy at Troon. The bookies had him 80-1 before the tournament, and — since betting is perfectly legal over there — Tom plopped down a wad of money on himself.
* Wonder what Bart Giamatti would say to that?
* Probably some big words we wouldn’t understand.
* So Wayne Fontes runs one good week of practice and gets a two-year contract extension.
* Gee. Imagine if he wins the opener? He might get a lifetime deal.
* Way to run those blocking sleds, Wayne.
* Maybe Bill Ford got confused and thought Fontes was Barry Sanders.
* You know, I have been watching Sugar Ray Leonard’s comeback for some time now. Here is what I want to know: Does he plan on re-fighting every guy he ever fought, or what?
* Speaking of the Sugar Ray-Roberto Duran fight, they still haven’t decided on Las Vegas or Atlantic City. It depends on where Duran is performing that week, under his stage name, Wayne Newton.
* As long as we’re talking boxing, somebody please tell me George Foreman is kidding. Please. Anybody. The man is as sad as Elvis.
* John Salley gets stopped for having smoke-glass windows. Mychal Thompson is charged with stealing a bucket of golf balls. What’s next, Isiah Thomas gets arrested for oversleeping?
* Larry Bird arrested for failing to leave a tip?
* I get tired watching the Tour de France.
* THREE MEN THE TIGERS SHOULD NOT TRADE, NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS THIS SEASON: 1. Alan Trammell. 2. Lou Whitaker. 3. Ernie Harwell.
* THREE MEN THE TIGERS SHOULD NOT HESITATE TO TRADE, NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS THIS SEASON: 1. Gary Pettis. 2. Anyone acquired this year. 3. Tom Monaghan.
* This speedboat challenge involving Walter Payton really intrigued me. Here is what I want to know: When he’s out there on Lake Michigan, do 11 other boats try to knock him out of bounds?
* Was Chuck Norris along to kick the extra point?
* Here is another thing I want to know: Does Troy Aikman wake up each morning and giggle?
* You think getting elected to the All-Star team was an amazing accomplishment for Jose Canseco? That’s nothing. How about the day Jose played Steffi Graf — disguised as Gabriela Sabatini?

CUTLINES

Late Night With . . . Tom?

Danke Schoen . . . No Mas

Jose as Gabby . . . Jose as Jose

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