THIS IS HOW CARRIER WILL PLEAD HIS CASE

THE LIVE ALBOM:

So today Mark Carrier pleads innocence before the NFL commissioner for hitting Tampa Bay’s Brice Hunter. That should be fun.

The commissioner says, “Why’d you hit him?” Carrier says, “Officer, that’s my job.”

Then the commissioner says, “Did you have to hit him so hard?” and Carrier says, “Honest, officer, I didn’t mean it.”

Then the commissioner says, “Can I see your license and registration, please?”

Did you read that college football TV announcer Keith Jackson sounded off in USA Today? Of games, he said, “I don’t give a damn who wins.”

Of ESPN’s “SportsCenter,” he said, “At times, I don’t understand what the hell they’re talking about.”

Of viewers, he said, “If they had to walk their lazy (butts) across the room anymore, they’d never do it.”

Geez. Next thing you know, he’ll be calling Bob Griese “Mr. Smarty Pants.”

If Charlie Batch turns out to be better than Ryan Leaf and Peyton Manning, I am never watching the NFL draft again.

Can someone explain to me how, if our country has $70 billion and a $5.4 trillion debt, we’re in the black?

That’s the accountant I want doing my taxes.

Let’s see. First umpire Joe Brinkman throws a manager out of a playoff game after three pitches. Then, later in the inning, he tosses out the pitcher.

Did someone forget to drink decaf this morning?

Speaking of baseball, now that Jim Leyland is available, the Tigers have to be crazy not to take a shot at him.

And anyone who says he’s too expensive ought to look across the street at Mike Ilitch’s other sports franchise, the Red Wings. They paid for the best coach. They paid for the best players. They won two championships.

Let’s face it. In most sports today — especially baseball — you pay bargain prices, you get a basement team.

Is it just me, or did we so overdose on Michael Jordan stories this year that we honestly don’t care if basketball stays away a few more months?

Juwan Howard is suing the woman who wrongfully accused him of sexual assault at a party. He’s seeking $60 million. Good for him.

Then again, wouldn’t everything be cheaper if they just had fewer parties?

You know it’s just not Kevin Abrams’ year when the best hit he puts on a receiver is injuring Herman Moore in practice.

Can someone please tell me how the Yankees already have one of the greatest teams in baseball history, and they call up a minor leaguer named Shane Spencer, who hits three grand slams in September? How is that fair?

The Ironman Triathlon is Saturday. I had better start training.

To leave a message for Mitch Albom, call 1-313-223-4581.

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