THE LIVE ALBOM (Thanksgiving Edition)
* Yes. It’s time for Thanksgiving. And if I were carving the big bird this year . . .
* The turkey head would definitely go to Ohio State, complete with a hat and coach’s whistle. Earle Bruce was too good for them anyhow.
* The turkey heart to Oklahoma’s Barry Switzer, who not only beat Nebraska’s Tom Osborne, but rubbed his nose in it with post-game comments.
* The turkey feet to Bobby Knight, who yanked his team off the floor against the Soviets during an exhibition last week. Nice going, Bob. You can bet the Soviet press made it sound like the Americans were intimidated. I don’t give a hoot about the “good stuff” Knight does. The man makes me sick.
* The cranberry sauce, I keep.
* There is no truth to rumors of trouble between Princess Di and Prince Charles. Charles just doesn’t like it when Di dresses like Wayne Gretzky and skates for the Edmonton Oilers.
The Great . . . Di-zky?
* Here is my suggestion for the Heisman Trophy. Abolish it. It’s a dumb award. You can’t really determine who’s the best college player in the nation, no matter how many envelopes you open.
* (Do you think they bought it?)
* I don’t want to say that NBC is doomed in the ratings by Thanksgiving’s Detroit vs. Kansas City football game, but someone said they were considering a documentary on plant food instead.
* How about the Columbia University Lions vs. the Detroit Lions? At least they’d get the New York audience.
* The stuffing goes to Bo Schembechler. George Perles gets the gravy this year.
* And Jacques Demers gets the wings. No, wait. He’s already got the wings.
* First, may I say that Michael Jordan is one of the best players in the NBA. Really. No question about it. Then may I say this: MICHAEL, PUT YOUR TONGUE BACK IN YOUR MOUTH! YOU’RE MAKING US SICK! Thank you.
* Whatever happened to Mercury Morris? Come to think of it, whatever happened to Garrett Morris? Or William Morris? Or Phillip Morris? Wait a minute. I bet they’re all living in the same house.
* Scott Lusader plays part-time for two months in the big leagues, then tells the Tigers he’s “proven himself” enough to skip winter ball. Funny how quickly you go from young and promising to young and obnoxious.FOR HIS NEXT TRICK, FRANK VIOLA PULLS A RABBIT OUT OF AN MVP TROPHY.
* I have been asked to speak at a “roast” for Bill Laimbeer a week from Sunday. You can mail me your insult suggestions. Please, no packages over five pounds.
* This request from our office staff, who have answered an unusual amount of phone calls on the subject: “THE SUPER BOWL IS JANUARY 31ST IN SAN DIEGO. NOW LEAVE US ALONE!” Thank you very much.
* The Celtics say Larry Bird is injured, and that’s why he’s out. Well. Maybe. Then again, there are rumors that Bird has been seen hanging around the
“Tonight Show,” working on his act, under his stage name, Martin Mull. Hey. What the . . . CUTLINE The Great . . . Di-zy Larry or . . . Marty?