Ilook out my door. Here they are again. Those Christmas carolers, from the sports world, making their own kind of music . . .
(to “Frosty, The Snowman”) Marge Schott, the owner, got in trouble with her mouth
’cause she made these cracks
’bout Jews and blacks. She’s not even from the South! Marge Schott, the owner, now she’s hiding with her pups, and as she sits, eating Kibbles ‘N Bits boy are we glad it’s not us. It must have been those racial slurs that sent her to her doom. Lord knows we’d never say such things
. . . with a microphone in the room. Marge Schott, the owner, was a bossy, loud, old twit. But with dogs in charge, we all knew Marge would one day step in . . . Wayne Fontes (to “The Christmas Song”) Chestnuts roasting on an open fire Linemen dropping every dawn Quarterback woes, and Jerry is mad and Willie says his helmet’s gone. Fans think we’re a yawn, I’m offering this simple phrase For a team that’s missing what it needs. As we go on, losing east, losing west, Glad my contract’s . . . guaranteed. Riddick Bowe (to “Jingle Bells”) Jingle Bells, this belt smells,
throw it in the trash. Who needs golden waistbands when I can have the cash? Jingle Bells, Foreman sells, He’ll be my next foe. I’d fight Katherine Hepburn if I could make some dough. Rodney Peete, Erik Kramer, Andre Ware
(to “The Little Drummer Boy”) I am the quarterback, yes, I am the one. No, Rodney, you’re a hack, & I am the one. Oh, Andre, take a nap, I, Erik, have come. You both are maniacs, I, Rodney, can run. Andre’s the one! Erik’s the one! We are all quarterbacks & when it is done I-I-I am the one. Mike Ditka
(to “Santa Claus is Coming to Town”) You better watch out, you better not pry. You better not ask, I’ll chew on your eye. Iron Mike is coming to town. I’ll swallow your camcorder, I’ll bite my quarterback’s head. And if you ask me why I think I may kill you instead, so, You better watch out, you better unload, any sec now, I’m bound to explode. Iron Mike is coming to town. Andre Agassi & Barbra Streisand
(to “I’ll be Home for Christmas”) I’ll be home for Christmas, You can touch my hair Oh, Andre, the things you say, They really show you care. Blow me dry for Christmas, Use mousse, Babs, it never fails, Coming, my Zen Master! Just let me dry my nails. Eric Lindros (to “Winter Wonderland”) Goalie’s scared, see him shakin’? Watch me check, now you’re achin’, I’m 19 years old, my sink’s made of gold, skating in a hockey wonderland. See me score, on the Rooskies, Or in the bar, spittin’ brewskies, It’s so much more fun than my junior prom, Skating in a hockey wonderland. Barry Bonds (to “Sleigh Ride”) Just hear my bank vault jingling, ring-ting-tingling, too. Come on it’s lovely weather to blow a million or two. Will I hit, will I hit, will I hit? Who cares? Just look at those stares, I’m raking in mega-dough that’s rare. Will we win, will we win, will we win? Who knows? It’s only a show And if we lose, here’s my excuse, It’s the manager’s fault, you know — My cheeks are nice & rosy & comfy-cozy am I Inside my own Jacuzzi with my new Uzi, I-I. Let Willie keep his number, and tell the Pirates: Screw you. Come on it’s lovely weather to blow a million or two. Michael Jordan (to “Silent Night”) Silent Night, Nike night, I am King, I am Flight. Won two championships, rings in the box. Won the Olympics, did not wear Reeboks. Life would really be fine,
‘cept I’m bored and I’m 29.