When it comes to predicting pro football, there is The Scientific Way, The Computer Way, The Points Versus The Minimum Spread Coefficient Of X Way. And then there is My Way, which consists of taping the teams’ names to the kitchen wall and throwing a butter knife 14 times. Don’t laugh. The knife picked the Lions last week. And now . . .
Lions 23, Cowboys 21: Are you ready to explode? Are you ready to roar? Are you ready to go undefeated for the entire season? Are you sitting down as you read this? Ah, come on. It’s logical for the Lions to upset the Cowboys. They upset a lot of people.
Dolphins 147, Colts 0: How mad can Don Shula get after losing? Just watch.
49ers 137, Falcons 0: How mad can Bill Walsh get after losing? Not as mad as Shula. But mad enough.
Redskins 34, Oilers 9: Back to Earth for Moon.
Buccaneers 20, Vikings 10: Sorry, but Minnesota just isn’t that good. Then again, neither is Tampa Bay. Then again, neither is tofutti, I don’t care what anyone says.
Eagles 21, Rams 20: Have you ever seen Randall Cunningham throw the ball? I swear, there’s a little puff of smoke from his hand when he releases it.
Cardinals 28, Bengals 17: And since neither St. Louis nor Cincinnati has a decent restaurant that stays open after 10 p.m., I refuse to comment further on this game.
Bears 19, Patriots 7: First they’re gonna mash ’em, then they’re gonna thrash ’em, then they’re gonna crush ’em into tiny little pieces and chew ’em up and spit ’em down the Michigan Avenue sewer. Man, am I glad I don’t have to play against the Bears’ defense. Whoo.
Seahawks 24, Chargers 14: But what is a seahawk? Or a charger?
Giants 17, Packers 13: See, you take these fellahs from New York and you stick ’em in Green Bay for a night and they don’t know what to make of it. They’re completely baffled. They think they’ve gone back in time. They can’t get a corned beef sandwich anywhere. There are no cabs. Everyone is polite. None of this has anything to do with the football game, however.
Broncos 22, Saints 10: Do you realize that New Orleans quarterback David Wilson is two-for-22 this season? He ought to be batting for the Cleveland Indians.
Jets 16, Bills 3: See, you take these fellahs from Buffalo and you bring
’em to New York City for a night and they don’t know what to make of it. They’re completely baffled. Everything’s open past midnight. People ask for their money. The theater. Cheesecake. People ask for their money. None of this has anything to do with the football game either.
Browns 23, Steelers 21 (Monday night): The City That Will Not Die makes a stab for respect on national television, and, lookie here, they pull it off.
Last week’s record: 9-5. OK. OK. But can your butter knife do better?