WELL HELLOOO AGAIN! Let’s get started on this year’s NFL picks. Ready? No. Hold it. First I have a question. Answer me honestly:
Let’s say that last year you successfully picked five of six division winners, both conference winners, and the Super Bowl winner — all back in September.
What would you do?
Can I answer? You would charter a very large yacht, equipped with things like a handball court and a pizza oven, and you would surround yourself with beautiful, skinny, blond-haired models whose sole responsibility on the voyage is to make sure there is enough ice.
And you would retire.
Am I right?
Yes. Well. This is what I proposed to my boss last year after successfully picking five of six division winners, both conference champions, and the Super Bowl — back in September. I put it all in a nice neat memo. Typed it myself. Including the cost. Which came to, oh, I don’t know, somewhere around
$5,475,000, without the pizza oven. But I figured that was fair. Hey. How many
other people picked New York over Denver — back in September? And then I went home to pack.
And then the phone rang.
And I picked it up.
And it was my boss.
I woke up in the hospital, several days later, with a severely punctured eardrum.
And here I am. Happy to see me? How’s that? Could you speak up please?
And now, the picks . . .
MINNESOTA 24, LIONS 13: One day during training camp last month, I saw the Lions receivers run a drill in which all they had to do was catch four consecutive passes. None of them did it on the first try. I promised myself right then I was picking against these guys until proven wrong.
SEATTLE 17, DENVER 14: And I’m still not buying any of Vance Johnson’s artwork.
LA RAIDERS 23, GREEN BAY 14: The Raiders are baaaad, as in good. The Packers are baaad, as in bad.
NEW ENGLAND 31, MIAMI 24: Once upon a time this game would have been a classic. Once upon a time, the Dolphins had a defense.
SAN FRANCISCO 23, PITTSBURGH 14: In last year’s opener, the 49ers lost Joe Montana to a back injury. They still made the playoffs. What could possibly worry them anymore?
CLEVELAND 30, NEW ORLEANS 10: Once again, the nice people of New Orleans hold their breath as the season begins. And then they puke.
WASHINGTON 33, PHILADELPHIA 12: Any team the Lions beat 36-3 — pre-season or no pre-season — had better start praying.
BUFFALO 17, NY JETS 13: All right? Are you happy? I’m finally picking Buffalo to win a game. And if they lose, I’m never picking them again.
DALLAS 21, ST. LOUIS 20: I know the Cowboys are sinking. I know the Cowboys are not what they used to be. I know all this. I pick them anyway.
TAMPA BAY 17, ATLANTA 10: All right? Are you happy? I’m finally picking Tampa Bay to win a game. And if they lose . . .
LA RAMS 14, HOUSTON 7: For a guy named Moon, he spends a lot of time on his back, doesn’t he?
CINCINNATI 35, INDIANAPOLIS 13: BOOM! Or, uh, Booomer. Whatever.
KANSAS CITY 23, SAN DIEGO 17: I give new Chiefs coach Frank Gansz one game to decide how to spell his name. Either a “z” or an “s.” Make up your mind, buster.
(MONDAY NIGHT) CHICAGO 24, NY GIANTS 21: It always takes Super Bowl champs at least one game to stop reading their autobiographies and get going.