Ah, football. The crack of pads. The crack of helmets. The crack of pretzels. Once again, a new NFL season is upon us.

And here are a few things I’d like to see this time around . . .

A placekicker with both shoes on.

Wilbert Montgomery in 1979 form.

Darryl Rogers with as much hair in December as he has in September.

Billy Sims.

Lomas Brown show the same resistance on the line as he did during contract talks.

Eric Hipple make the new coach look smart.

The new coach make Eric Hipple look smart.

The Silverdome roof. Above me.

The snap.

Everybody be patient with Doug English. Remember, at nose tackle, he’s liable to spend most of the season under other people’s bodies.

Joe Ferguson. Sometime.

Ed Murray with Superman’s foot.

Superman with Ed Murray’s foot.

Everybody leave Monte Clark alone. And his ghost, too.

A quadruple reverse.

A hanging, measured in punt time.

The tee.

William Perry in a Volkswagen.

Mark Gastineau in a straitjacket.

Doug Flutie in an NFL uniform. You know it’s gonna happen sooner or later.

The Pack go back.

Minnesota nipped in the Bud.

The Bears hibernate.

The Buccaneers get Steve Young, then discover that, hey, there’s a big difference between the NFL and the USFL after all.

Fewer cheerleaders on my TV.

More cheerleaders at my house.

Mike Cofer’s waist.

All the Smiths on one side. All the Johnsons on the other.

Mike Ditka open a press conference by saying: “Hi, fellas. How ya doin’?”

Don Shula’s tender side.

Bum Phillips get a break. He’s the most caring coach in the NFL — and it might cost him his job, now that he’s traded George Rogers to risk it all on old chum Earl Campbell.

Tom Landry in leather pants.

Chuck Knox move to Fort Street.

Bill Walsh say actually, he prefers Skoal to a pipe.

The laces.

Dan Marino buy Joe Montana a Coke.

Joe Montana say he doesn’t drink Coke.

Art Schlichter, when his team beats the spread.

Tommy Kramer last eight games.

Warren Moon dispel the myth once and for all.

Bernie Kosar wait his turn — though in time, this kid will become a premier quarterback in the NFL. Please remember you heard that here when he does.

Someone give 106 percent.

Someone take games more than “one at a time.”

Third and 58.

Lynn Dickey, Dana McLemore, Stacey Bailey and Cleo Simmons introducing themselves to a bunch of Marines.

The coin.

John Madden stay a nice guy.

Bubba Smith get a speaking part.

Joe Namath come to his senses and go back to whatever he was doing last year.

The whistle.

Dan Marino intercepted once for every day he held out.

Eric Dickerson tackled once for every day he held out.

Tony Dorsett’s tax return.

The drug test results.

Walter Payton have a super season. He’s suffered enough in Chicago.

Anthony Carter have a mediocre season. We’ve suffered enough too.

Curt Warner, Kellen Winslow, Jerry Butler, Dean Steinkuhler and William Andrews. Knee injuries got them all last year.

The original Red Dog. And his owner.

A winner in the great taste/less filling debate.

Dandelions on artificial turf.

An end to artificial turf.

An end to dandelions.

A ref who sticks around to defend his calls.

Neil Lomax become as good as everyone keeps telling me he is.

Howie Long go short, Carl Bland do something exciting, and Mark Duda sing
“The Camptown Ladies.”

A lineman with one chin.

“Monday Night Football” with an MTV sound track.

The wind blow through a TV announcer’s hair and have any noticeable effect.

All the Joneses on one side, all the Williamses on the other.

The new rules finally keep every critical passing play from winding up as pass interfernce.

Jim Plunkett do it one more time.

John Riggins earn his new salary.

messes up my lines.

The guy in typesetting who

A new end zone dance.

Don Shula sitting down.

A knee that doesn’t have a scar.

The gun.

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