Ihear a knock. I open the door. Look who I see come a caroling …
Democrats singing “Here Comes Santa Claus”
Here comes W, Here comes W W’s on his way See him bouncing, mispronouncing, He’s the prez today! Let Dick Cheney run the show Let Colin take the snaps Condi Rice makes everything nice While W takes a nap.
Al Gore, “Joy To the World”
Wait! Stop the world! Just one more time And let’s recount the votes We’ll beat inauguration Let’s do some calculations There’s still some ballots out Some chads lying about I’m sure I can win this thing With one more count.
Elian Gonzalez, “I’ll Be Home for Christmas”
I am home for Christmas In Cuba’s paradise I don’t miss those Disney toys Or capitalist vice I am safe in Cuba Got everything I need That’s what it says on this sheet Which Castro makes me read.
Darva Conger, “Let It Snow”
Oh, I married Rick Rockwell on TV And everyone wanted to be me Then the spotlight was getting low
“Let me go, Ricky, let me go!” Then I dropped him and I was famous Didn’t matter if I was shameless When Playboy said “here’s some dough” Let it show, let it show, let it show!
Alex Rodriguez, “Deck The Halls”
Deck the halls with all my money falalalalalalalala I’m so rich it isn’t funny falalalalalalalala Getting paid a quarter billion Here a car, there a car, it’s sublime! Who cares if baseball is ruined? Falalalala, just gimme mine.
Hillary Clinton, “Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer”
Hillary, the nice first lady Had a hubby she called Bill They rode their strong ambition To the top of Capitol Hill All of the other first ladies They were happy being wives Hillary the new first lady Knew there was a bigger prize When her hubby went astray Hillary saw her chance
“I’ll ride my grief to a Senate seat And then I’ll wear the pants!” Now she’s the money-maker A publisher gave her $8 mil One day, she’ll get her real dream And she will be the prez, not Bill.
Dot-commers, “Blue Chritsmas”
Well, it’s a blue Christmas in tech land Might as well be “gone-to-heck” land All the billions we made Doing nothing at all Went out the window When Nasdaq took a fall Well, it’s a blue Christmas in chip land We sold the pool, the jet and the minivan And those 9-to-5 jerks Now expect us to …work! Oh, man, it’s blue, blue, blue Christmas
Kathie Lee Gifford, “White Christmas”
I’m dreaming of my job With Regis The job I left not long ago Oh, I acted gallant But I have no talent And now, everybody knows, it shows! I’m dreaming of my job With Regis Where I could rule just like a star I’d be back there by 9 o’clock, But it seems that they have changed the locks
Richard Hatch of “Survivor,” “The Little Drummer Boy”
I am the last one left I won, won, won, won, Survivor was the game I won, won, won, won I stabbed them in the back Was fun, fun, fun, fun I got to be a jerk, and I got some sun, I showed my buns, and when it was done I proved my point, it’s clear To win a million Screw everyone.
Bill Clinton, “Silent Night”
Bye, White House My White House Packing up Moving out Lordy, what’s to become of me Host a talk show on NBC? Here’s the truth of it, hossssss It’s more fun being the boss.
Contact MITCH ALBOM at 313-223-4581 or firstname.lastname@example.org. Catch “Albom in the Afternoon” 3-6 weekdays on WJR-AM (760).