They should have a law against this baseball and football stuff being in the same season.
No fair. I want out. You walk down the street, or maybe up the street, and a guy says, “Hey, you think the Cardinals got a chance?” And you say, “Sure, that Neil Lomax has a great arm.” And he says, “Neil Lomax? Who the hell is Neil Lomax? He some new bullpen guy? The Cardinals got some new bullpen guy? He gonna play in the World Series? Hey! What gives?”
And so you walk away, up the street, or maybe down the street, and a guy stops you and says “The Giants! The Giants!” And you say, “Don’t worry. They won’t move to Oakland.” And the guy says, “The New York Giants are gonna move to Oakland? They gotta play Dallas Sunday night. Hey! What gives?”
Confusing. Fuconsing. Arrrgh.
Yes. Well. And now, the picks . . .
LIONS 23, PACKERS 17: Logic says the Packers. Intelligence says the Packers. Mathematics says the Packers. I never listen to those guys.
RAIDERS 24, CHIEFS 10: Return of the Meanies.
RAMS 16, VIKINGS 14: The problem with taking players from Minnesota out to LA is that they tend to sit on the bench, leaning back, with those tanning boards under their necks.
DOLPHINS 26, STEEELERS 14: I have a friend in Miami. He tells me Marino is back. He tells me Marino is cookin’. He tells me Marino is as sharp as Rambo’s razor. I have a friend in Miami.
SEAHAWKS 21, CHARGERS 9: I had a friend in San Diego. He told me the Chargers were back. He told me the Chargers were cookin’. He told me the Chargers were as sharp as Rambo’s razor. I picked the Chargers last week. They lost. I have no friend in San Diego.
BROWNS 10, PATRIOTS 9: I had a friend in Cleveland. He was going to tell me something. But he died of boredom.
BILLS 4, COLTS 3: . . . W-H-O . . . C-A-R-E-S?
SAINTS 23, EAGLES 20: The Saints have a Hokie at running back, a Hoby at tight end, and a Bum at coach. I would never bet against a team that weird.
BEARS 20, BUCS 0: The best team in football against one of the worst. A 4-0 team against an 0-4 team. A team that’s going places against a team that’s going nowhere. A perfect scenario for an upset, right? Fat chance.
GIANTS 28, COWBOYS 27: Tony Dorsett. Fast. Lawrence Taylor. Mean. Rafael Septien. Foreign. I’m just making this up as I go along. I have no idea who’ll win this game.
BRONCOS 34, OILERS 19: How many Texans can function normally when they’re a Mile High?
JETS 30, BENGALS 12: Quick. Who’s quarterbacking the Jets? If you said Pat Ryan, you lose five points. If you said Richard Todd, you lose 10 points. If you said Joe Namath, you don’t lose anything. You’ve already lost enough.
49ERS 25, FALCONS 17: Joe Montana is throwing interceptions. Jack Clark is going butterfingers. Mean Fred Dean is picking flowers. However, the Falcons stink.
REDSKINS 20, CARDINALS 17: I figure if I pick the Redskins 16 times this year, I’m bound to win once.
BEST PICK LAST WEEK: Dolphins 27 1/2, Broncos 27. Dolphins won, 30-26.
WORST PICK LAST WEEK: Redskins 17, Bears 14. Bears won, 45-10.
RECORD LAST WEEK: 10-4. And you should see me on baseball.