CALGARY, Alberta -- Once upon a time, before blimps, the Olympics worked like this: You grew up in a small town, you sailed to some foreign place, you competed, you won a medal, you sailed home and got invited to all the good parties. This was a fine system, because you always knew where to find a former Olympian in case he owed you money. You needed Jurgen, the Swedish ski jumper, you went to Sweden and looked around.
TORONTO -- Don't move. I have an octopus.I grin at the mirror as I speak those words. I am cool. I am ready. I am like Robert DeNiro in "Taxi Driver," a man with a secret and a weapon to back him up. I am from Detroit. I have an octopus. "Are you talking to me?" I ask my image, with a sudden stare. "Are you talking to . . . me?"Heh, heh.
Once upon a time -- last year, I believe -- when Rodney Peete got the measles, the whole country got the measles. He would flick on the hospital TV and see updates on his condition. The nurse would deliver a newspaper, and he would see his face on the front page. "PEETE TO MISS BIG GAME?" So intense was the media crush, that the hospital switchboard had to use three phony names to ward off reporters."I was registered under 'Willie Jackson' one night, and some guy still got through," Peete recalls. "He said, 'Is Rodney Peete there?' I said, 'Sorry, you have the wrong room.' "
TAMPA, Fla. -- Chuck Long's first pro pass might have received more attention, but the throw that really made the difference Sunday came from Joe Ferguson, who, you might have noticed, played the first 57 minutes and 54 seconds at quarterback.It was early in the game, just over eight minutes left in the first quarter, and Ferguson had thrown three times. One short completion, one incompletion, one interception. The score was 0-0. Ferguson stepped up to the line on a first-and-10 from the Lions' 26, looked to his left and liked what he saw.
CINCINNATI -- OK. Let's see if we got this straight. You put your right foot in, you put your right foot out, you put the football in and you shake it all about, you do the Ickey Shuffle and you wiggle all ar--Well. OK. So we'll work on it. I guess we'll have to. Because the Cincinnati Bengals -- last year's bargain in the AFC basement -- are going to the Super Bowl to face the 49ers. Cincinnati? Yes. Cincinnati. With a platinum blond quarterback and a coach who goes from bum to genius and a cast named Boomer, Max, Turk, Krumrie, Buck, Billups and, of course . . . Ickey.
ATTN: OFFICE. STOP. AM HOT ON BASEBALL'S TRAIL. STOP. SO HOT, I FORGOT ABOUT FOOTBALL. STOP. SORRY. STOP. SENDING PICKS FROM WAITRESS I MET INSTEAD. STOP. DON'T WORRY. STOP. SHE IS EXPERT. STOP. DON'T MIND KETCHUP STAINS. STOP. SHE DID THEM IN KITCHEN. STOP. HA-HA. STOP. HAD YOU FOOLED, DIDN'T I? STOP. THAT'S NOT KETCHUP. STOP. IT'S BLOOD, AS USUAL. STOP.AND NOW, THE PICKS . . .
LAKELAND, Fla. -- Hold it. I can explain.Some of you may have noticed me missing from this space for the last few weeks. Some of you may have been led to believe I was vacationing in South Pacific sunshine while you suffered at home in the snow and cold. Ha! You fell for that? What will they think up next?The truth is much more complex. The truth is I was . . . on a mission. Yes. In the interest of new and more interesting sports stories I was attempting to set the record for longest single journey to an exhibition baseball game.
As we NFL pickers enter the Thanksgiving holidays, let us give thanks for the following:1. Jim McMahon doesn't have a younger brother.2. Lawrence Taylor doesn't have enough material for another book.3. The LA Raiders have finally shut up.4. Dan Dierdorf.5. Whoever hired Dan Dierdorf.6. Brian Bosworth has to wear a helmet.7. The 30-second clock.8. The instant replay check -- when it works for your team.9. The trouble in Dallas. It's about time the Cowboys had some problems.
MIAMI -- He will wake up Sunday morning, yawn, stretch, walk to the bathroom and pull open the shower curtain. The camera light will blind him."We're live with Ickey Woods!" the TV reporter will bellow from under the faucet. "Dance for us, Ickey! Whatdya say? Just a few steps?"He will dash out of the room and lock the door. He will join his teammates for breakfast in the lobby. He will grab some silverware, and lift the top off the tray of eggs.
There was a time, back in college, when I laced up boxing gloves and tried to prove myself in a ring. I was not very talented; I did more ducking than hitting. But one night, while sparring with my coach, I tagged him, unsuspecting, and he straightened up and blinked. At that moment, I felt a surge of naked power, almost primitive, as if my blood had thickened and I was bloated with muscle. It was a manly thing I had done. I felt manly. And then he pounded the hell out of me.
ST. LOUIS -- It is not my place to tell two successful World Series managers how to act. But I will do it anyhow. Every time I see writers walk away from Tom Kelly of the Minnesota Twins or Whitey Herzog of the St. Louis Cardinals, they look as if someone just stuffed a liverwurst sandwich under their nose.
WIMBLEDON, England -- What you remembered most were the laughs. In the middle of the Wimbledon semifinal. Chris Evert would hit a great shot, a winner, and Martina Navratilova would shake her head and laugh. Martina would scoop a volley out of the grass for an amazing point and Chris would drop her racket. And laugh. They were not loud. They were not even often. But they were there. Quiet, gentle, familiar. Laughs."Wasn't that a little strange?" someone asked Evert afterward."For such an intense match? To smile and even laugh at certain moments?"
