Afriend of mine does this Simon and Garfunkel impersonation. He mimics the soft-spoken Garfunkel, leaning into the microphone, telling the audience, "We'd like to slow things down now . . . even more."It's a common joke, especially among young people. You tell anyone under 30 that you're going to see Simon and Garfunkel on their reunion tour -- that you're excited about it! -- and they snicker as if you can't wait for your new pair of Depends."Wow, Simon and Garfunkel," they deadpan. "You're gonna rock."
Well, I don't like sausages, either. But I never hit one with a baseball bat.Then again, most of my sausages just sit on a plate, next to the hash browns. I never saw one chugging around third base, racing a bratwurst, a hot dog and a kielbasa. There's no telling what a man might do in those circumstances.
People try their whole lives to get on Jay Leno's "Tonight Show." So you could say the Lions are the envy of the nation.The Lions don't see it that way. JAY: Later this month, Britney Spears is playing Detroit. She's a two-touchdown favorite over the Lions! Ba-dum-bump.JAY: The Lions lost again. They're 0-11. No. Wait. They're 0-10. . . . On SUNDAY, they'll be 0-11.Heyy-ooo!
It was coming down like hot wax, drip, drip, another fourth-quarter lead, another wild crowd, all melting away in concert with the clock, as if the whole thing had been orchestrated ahead of time. An 11-point lead whittled away like a stick on the wrong end of a penknife. Turnovers. Missed shots. Missed free throws. Booing the refs.And finally, on Tuesday, as it did on Sunday, the final Pistons shot missed the mark -- this time a long jumper by Chauncey Billups into the outstretched body of Jason Kidd -- and even the margin of defeat was the same.Two points down.
How outraged should an outraged American be?This became a question last week thanks to Oklahoma Senator James Inhofe. When he took the microphone at the hearings on Abu Ghraib prison, he did not begin with a question for the military man seated at the table -- which is what he was there to do.Instead, like too many senators -- Democrat and Republican -- he began with a speech.And in his speech, he said he was "more outraged by the outrage" than by the treatment depicted in photographs from Abu Ghraib.
TO: T. AmakerRE: New JobDear Coach Amaker:First off, is it Tom or Tommy? You're getting a new start, you might as well pick your moniker. Personally, I would lose the Tommy thing, since it makes you sound like a kid, and what you've taken on is definitely a man's assignment.
Oh, please. No more. The places on Earth where you can actually find peace and quiet are already dwindling down to inches. Now this? Cell phone makers are on the verge of technology that would allow airline passengers to talk all flight long?Where's the oven? I want to stick my head in it.See whether this sounds familiar. You get on a plane. You settle into your seat. You open a travel magazine. You begin to drift off, thinking of the places you are about to visit, the people you are about to see, and . . .
As kids, when we got in trouble, we blamed a sibling. As adults, we blame a disease.A guy gets caught with hookers? He's a sex addict. A guy gets caught shoplifting? He's a kleptomaniac.A college coach gets caught drinking beers with coeds? He's an alcoholic.Naturally.
Mitch Albom writes about running an orphanage in impoverished Port-au-Prince, Haiti, his kids, their hardships, laughs and challenges, and the life lessons he’s learned there every day.
