Detroit Free Press

SEATTLE -- Anyone from North Carolina, Arkansas, Oklahoma or California can skip this column. Save your strength. As fans with teams in this year's Final Four, you already know whom you are rooting for. Besides, you have no time to read. If you are truly the robust, manly, college basketball fanatics America is so proud of, you are busy throwing up in a beer can.No. This is for the masses left behind. The fans whose schools were knocked out early in the tournament. (Did I say Michigan? Did I say Michigan State? I didn't say that! Did I say that?)

Tweeeeeeeet!All right, everybody -- out of the pool!I'm talking about the naysayers, groan-masters, worrywarts and ...

And now, because football is over and baseball can't get started, we bring you Deion Sanders, a man who clearly ...

When I want answers, I go to the experts. My car breaks down, I find the best mechanic. Tax returns? I choose the ...

This morning, I will write about welfare. Which means most of the people affected by today's column will not be ...

* I'll say this about Kato Kaelin. He's sure the guy I'd want watching my house.* I mean, has the witness stand become America's answer to Open Mike Night? Consider the O.J. cast: a cop who's an alcoholic, a sister who's an alcoholic, an ex-Marine who says he did -- no, wait, he didn't -- talk to F. Lee Bailey, Rosa Lopez, who can't decide if she's walking the dog or flying to Central America, Faye Resnick, who's either a dear friend or a junkie, and, of course, the Kato-Man, who's a few strokes short of par himself.